I'm emerging as a top student in this program, which I'm a little surprised by. I don't feel like it's all that difficult. Which is maybe the strongest indication I've had yet that I'm in the right place, doing what it is I want to do... I like the work.

I'm taking a break from reading for a class, which I'm actually enjoying. I spent a good portion of this evening puzzling through engineering software to solve an amazingly relevant math probability related to false positives in diagnostic tests, and now I'm reading about organizational behavior (just finished reading about the Columbia space shuttle disaster, and what was happening behind the scenes...) It's all fascinating. (say it with me now... NERD.)

Which leads to my frustration with my class- if you aren't driven by this kind of learning, this kind of knowledge, then why the hell would you have applied to a program like this?! The amount of whining and bitching I've heard in the last day alone is making me crazy. I find myself in this weird position of wanting to defend the professors, and their methods of teaching. I want to scream "this is how it is in the real world, grow the fuck up!"

I really wish there were motivated and yet laid back people around, who I felt I had more in common with. The people working their asses off are whiny bastards. The people who aren't are apathetic. Where's my middle ground club?

On that note, back to case studies.

So, what I wasn't explaining before:

I found out about a graduate program that is exactly what I was looking for, a combination masters of science and business, Thursday two weeks ago. It's a truly amazing program that trains people not only in scientific techniques, but in industry practices, with a mandatory internship, and an applied science thesis. They still had a week to go on their application cycle, and through a crazy set of circumstances, dumb luck, and burning the midnight oil, I managed to apply, turn in scores, and get three letters of rec submitted. While I was scrambling to get this together, I was emailing back and forth with an admissions counselor about various things to do with the application.

I got a phone call today- to schedule an interview- which because of the timing, will be a phone interview- TOMORROW-because the admissions committee is meeting Thursday- and he wanted me to interview before then.

Two weeks ago today, I didn't know this program existed, and I may very well be moving to So Cal in a matter of months. I'm so excited, and so nervous, and beyond overwhelmed. I haven't let myself think about what it means for my life here- I figure I'll cross that bridge if and when I get there.

It's just nice to feel this excited and hopeful. Something clicked when I found out about this program, and I've been running with it in spite of some stupid drawbacks.

I scheduled my interview earlier today, got off the phone, and literally let out a victory song and dance. Fingers crossed!!!! Wish me luck for this interview. :D

The last week has been tumultuous, and I wish I'd been writing about it all along. I'm too tired to elaborate, but it's had some of the highest highs and the lowest lows, so while I'm optimistic about things to come, it's more tainted than it ought to be.

If my boss wanted to give me any reason to appreciate my time in her lab, she has taken it away. It's amazing how someone can take something so positive, and shit all over it. I'll write about the good when I stop fixating on the things she said today.

If things work out, I'll be a So Cal resident in a matter of months. Who would have thought?

On New Year's Eve last year, I was still thinking I would apply to business schools. By March, I had decided that I hadn't written science off, and I still had some freakish desire to be Dr. Nagrani. By August, I was in hardcore study mode, first for the general GRE, and then the biology subject test. And in less than a month since that blasted thing, I have finished (count em!) eight grad school apps to biomedical science PhD programs. I didn't skip the gym, I didn't take time off of work, I just buckled down, and remembered that I can be a hardworking, motivated person- and in fact, am way happier for it.

It hasn't set in, that come tomorrow, I won't have deadlines looming over my head, or something I "should" be doing while watching bad TV. I will have time to cook, to clean, to take care of myself, to spend with my roommates, my friends, my family... oh, and that one guy. :) I have no idea what the next few months will hold, or what city of the US I will be in a year from tonight. But in the last few months, I've felt like my college self again, and if this feeling holds, I'm making the right life decision.

It's amazing how at peace I feel right now. :)

Where does the time go?

Today, I didn't wish my sister a happy birthday. I almost forgot about it, and once I remembered... I didn't want to.
In 2 days, I will be 24, and for some reason, it sounds old (though I know it's not...).
In 3 days, Erica will be married.
In 4 days, J-P and I will have officially officially been together for a year.

I'm excited for this So Cal trip. For getting out of the city, for seeing old friends, for watching new beginnings... I'm grateful that there are things to celebrate and look forward to, even in heavy times.

It's only been seven days since Nikki's dad passed away.
In 3 days, they will lay him to rest. I hope she's ok.

Nikki's dad past away today. It was sudden, and absolutely unexpected. They were treating him for pneumonia... he collapsed, and that was it.

There are no words at times like these.

I went home for dinner tonight. Dad had a bottle of wine waiting that he'd been saving for a time when I'd be home, Mom had brought back a bunch of old family photos that she and my aunt had dug up that we spent a good long while laughing over. The memories of nights like this- I'll cling to them for a lifetime. It's the only thing keeping my thoughts sane right now.

Exactly two years ago, I was cramming for my last set of finals in undergrad. I was probably sitting in this chair, at this desk, wasting time online, probably up later than my roommates, just hearing the occasional passing car, or stupid drunk neighbor stumbling home.

It's amazing that two years later, it's not so different. I just started actually studying for the biochem GRE. I cleared my desk of the stacks of paper and crazy amounts of dust (ah, how metaphorical), and have started reteaching myself all the things I should have learned back then. It's so familiar, and so calming... I know it sounds crazy. But doing all this reminds me of a time where at least in my memory, I was more sure and confident, and life in it's own bizarre way just made sense.

I can learn equations and pathways, and re-memorize the names of enzymes and molecules. Let's be honest... it's so much easier than trying to figure out the things without rules, the things without boundaries. So I will reminisce about college in my own weird way, and very likely continue to avoid the things staring me in the face, because this is a struggle and a challenge I know how to deal with.

If anyone asks me about where I'll be living in three months, or grad school apps, or J-P, or anything relating to life decisions and the future... I might crack.

I really miss Davis. I miss having (almost all) my favorite people in one place. And I really really really wish this weekend hadn't blown by so quickly. :/

... I think I'm going to apply to PhD programs.


Yikes.

I talked to my mom for awhile last night... just chatting, catching up. She told me at some point that she was glad she had such a sensible, level-headed daughter. I laughed it off, but given the topic of conversation, and what I was expecting, it meant... everything.

I am so fucking afraid of fucking up. Of being a bad daughter/sister, and not being there for my parents/Urv when it counts most. Of choosing my friends over my relationship, or my relationship over my friends... of being a bad roommate, or coworker... Ultimately, of not giving my best to the people who deserve it most. And I'm coming to resent something- whether it's myself for feeling the need to do it all, or others for their expectations, or the fear of fucking up itself, I'm not sure.

It's no secret that I'm a doubter, I have never had an easy time taking things at face value without questioning what that face value was in the first place. The thing is- it's getting easier. And it's beginning to take the fear of fucking up away.

I feel like journaling. But I'm totally unfocused. So I jacked a survey... sorry.

1. The best way to get over someone?
There is no good way. It just takes time to really move on.

2. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis?
A little mascara usually. Sometimes a touch of blush if I'm looking particularly ghostly.

3. Is your AIM away message on?
Nope. But I'm not signed on either.

4. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what?
Ugh, I don't think it matters. You'd come to hate that meal eventually.

5. Where would you like to be right now?
Here is just fine.

6. Are you single?
Nope. Amazingly.

7. Are you okay with that?
Yes, I am. Also amazingly.

8. Is someone on your mind right now?
Yea...

12. Ever told someone you loved them and not mean it?
Unfortunately.

13. Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
I know a falsehood when I hear one.

14. Last person you kissed?
J-P.

15. Have you ever been used?
Not outright used, I don't think, but perhaps taken for granted?

16. Have you ever used anyone?
Not in a major way.

17. Most important part(s) of a relationship?
Communication. Affection. Trust.

18. Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope.

19. Is cheating acceptable in a relationship?
No. Not at all. If you're tempted to cheat, get out of the relationship you're in, because something is clearly not working.

20. Who's your current best friend(s)?
For all time? Nelle. Day to day? Cindy.

21. Who was your first real best friend?
Arjun, haha.

22. Are you still best friends with that person?
Not best friends, persay, but still close.

23. What is your biggest fear?
There are so many, what's worst? I don't know.

24. Who was the last person to call you?
Cindy

25. Longest phone conversation?
Recently? Probably with Jamie.

26. Do you drink?
Hahahahaha... yes.

27. Do you smoke?
Nope.

28. Would you ever date an alcoholic/smoker?
Doubtful, but anything is possible.

29. Last time you cried?
Probably been a couple weeks.

30. Reason for the last time you cried?
If memory serves me correctly, I'm pretty sure I was admitting to feeling powerless to make something better. :/

31. Ever done something really stupid?
Of course, how many stories can you think of? (too many... too many...)

32. What can't you go a day without doing?
Breathing.

33. Do you miss anyone?
Of course.

34. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Perhaps.

35. Life?
What kind of question is that?

36. Girls?
I am one.

37. Myspace?
overrated

38. Winter?
mostly fine, the rain is getting old.

39. Friends?
Awesome.

40. Tattoos?
Nada

41. Last song?
"Don't Lie" talk about a throwback

42. Last movie you watched?
"The Fountain". If Hugh Jackman wasn't so damn hot, that movie would have been an outright bust.

43. Birthday?
Aug 1st.

44. What are you doing right now?
Filling this beast out.

45. What should you be doing right now?
Showering, getting ready for bed, sleeping.

46. When was your last plane ride?
Back from London.

47. Have you ever cried in public?
... once. Disaster.

48. Do you own an ipod?
Thank goodness.

49. Ever been in love?
Yes.

50. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not at all. Lust at first sight, love with time.

51. Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know the truth?
I honestly don't know.

52. Are your parents divorced?
Nope.

53. Eye color?
Dark brown.

54. Hair color?
Dark brown.

55. Winter or summer?
Summer which is winter in SF.

56. Night or day?
Day- if I don't have to work.

57. Biggest mistake you've made recently?
Not sure.

58. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
Not really.

60. Do you believe in kissing on the first date?
ahahaha yes. Depending on the circumstance though, it's not a given, and shouldn't be.

61. Do you believe in sex on the first date?
Yes and no. I understand more if you know the person in question before said first date. In general, I would say no, but there are exceptions to every rule.

62. Do you have a car?
Yup.

63. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
Something from the surgeon my lab is collaborating with

64. What does the last text message in your outbox say?
My response

66. Where will you be in 4 years?
Don't I wish I knew

67. Do you have your future planned out?
Not at all

68. Do you want to get married?
Eventually

69. Describe your life in one word?
Dandy.

...what an unfulfilling survey.

as 2007 draws to a close...

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR-
I don't know really... the UCSF crew more often than not.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) -
Maybe not the outright longest, but Nelle. :)

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
The UCSF crew.

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
I don't know that there was a high point, but somewhere around July, life started taking a turn for the better, and it's been pretty dandy since then.


4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Ha, probably around April/May. I was having a hard time keeping things in perspective.

5) BEST HOLIDAY?
New Years 2007 kicked some serious ass.

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007
STRONGER! Though the Timbaland CD and the new(ish) KT Tunstall are also up there.

7) MOVIE FOR 2007?
I don't that anything is especially representative, but I loved "Everything is Illuminated".

8) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Em and Ann, if memory serves me right... It wasn't especially memorable.

9) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
Hmm, let's think on this one :P

10) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
I wasn't. I was playing hookie from Halloween in London.

11) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
King of Thai Noodle House 2- for the second year running :P

12) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
Harry Potter, the 7th installment :D

13) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
I don't know that it was a conscientious decision, but making SF home, for real.


14) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
Find a new job, apply to grad school.


15) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
Having anything resembling a serious conversation. Always a bad idea.

16) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
By default, Grey's and Private Practice.


17) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
All my friends are loyal, but Nelle and the ladies of The Lex #255 more so than others. :)


18) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Finding reasons to be in SF.


19) BIGGEST RETARD AWARD?
ME- who breaks their foot while skipping???


20) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
Onwards and upwards... whatever it takes, and whatever that means.

So, I took this awhile ago, my number has dropped with time. :P

Agree/disagree: People don't change.

I've had this journal for years, and it doesn't even take looking back on old entries to know that while yes, somethings have changed in my life (I graduated, I moved, I work, the cast of characters that play a daily role in my have changed)... the big things haven't. The things that affect me emotionally, the circumstances that bring out certain personality traits, all those things are the same.

I am surrounded by people and circumstances that are making me think about this. I have a sister, who as much as I would like to believe she has learned a lesson, and would like to make amends and take recent events to make a clean start, I know better. The worst is not over, and it's a question of time before it all explodes. I have an old friend, who I hardly feel like I know anymore, who seems to be making a clean break, and at least putting on the facade of embracing things he ran away from for so long. I feel like it's only a question of time before that falls away too, and his true colors reappear. But I'm distanced, so maybe I'll never know. I have a coworker, who is willing to wait for her ex to "grow up", and hopefully realize it's her that he wants to share his life with. Another coworker who claims that her open relationship is enough, but is really just waiting for the man in question to say "You're the one." I have parents who repeat the same conversation patterns, for better and for worse. I watch others (and myself) make mistakes, think we've learned a lesson, only to go and repeat whatever it was all over again.

Which brings me back to my original point- people don't change. Maybe there are exceptions. Or maybe some people are exceptionally good at putting on fronts, and at some point, they get tired, and let the facade drop. But at the heart of it, they're still the same.

Part of me finds comfort in that, that if you find yourself really knowing someone, you always will. And part of me wishes it weren't the case, and wants to believe that it is possible for people to change for the better, that there is no such thing as a lost cause.

I have come to believe in lost causes. In true Shef fashion- I'll continue hoping for the potential for change. But as reality sets in and second chances become third chances, fourth, fifth, sixth chances... maybe I'll just get better at letting go. Here's to hoping.

This is me, with my heart on a platter.

I find myself overwhelmed at the moment. I have hardly taken a moment to just... sit... in way too long. I've spent the last month or so rushing between SF and Davis/Sacto, haven't been home in nearly a month, have worked late too many times to remember, was apartment hunting... life has been chaotic, and while I'm normally up to the challenge, I'm getting tired.

I'm seeing someone, who dropped into my life very suddenly, and normally, I'd fight that, and take things much slower, but it seemed to click, and why fight something that works? But what happens when it was maybe just too soon for both people in question... what happens when you're ok with riding your own doubt out, but maybe aren't ready for the reality of having to deal with someone else's (well founded though it may be)? A recipe for disaster? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what my boundaries are. Or what expectations I'm comfortable with. And what's fair at this point. So I haven't said anything, and I'm taking things as they come. We'll see how long that lasts.

I've more or less let go of the person who has tended to make my life more difficult than it needed to be (anyone need anymore clarification?). The more I hear about how two-faced he's been in the last year, how many friendships he's betrayed, how many people he's shown utter disregard for- the easier that is. It doesn't change how much I miss the guy I knew before all that, but I don't really believe he exists anymore. I resent him for making me as cautious as I have become. Someone asked me the other night, "Did you learn anything from it?" and I don't know that I did. Nothing I can find words for at the moment.

The show went amazingly. Far better than I could have hoped for. And I can't explain what it was like to have the majority of my close friends in one room at one time. How blown away I was by everyone's support. How proud I was of Sam and Dana. I have noticed that the pieces I tend to be inspired by usually have a cathartic response from an audience, and I've been thinking about ways to do that with people going through intense medical treatment. A branch off of the traditional art for recovery- performance art for recovery. Not for self therapy, but to reach out to others. It's a work in progress idea, but this show just reaffirmed to me that I can't let go of this aspect of my life.

I should go to sleep, I should stop thinking about the things making me question, I should stop questioning the things that are outwardly good, I should find peace in sleeping by myself for the first time in nearly a week, I should mentally gear up for the next couple days...


... and I would do all those things, but I can't seem to move from this chair.

How long can you stay angry without exploding?

How long can you be angry without letting go of the cause of the anger?

How long does it take to become genuinely unaffected by something that has left you affected for far too long?

How long before you just don't give a damn?



I'm tired of being angry. And I want to stop being angry, and stop giving a damn, all at once. I'm getting there, but for some reason, that seems to be really effing hard. I just want my happy-go-lucky self back.

I'm usually the person people turn to for a sanity check. I fear losing touch with reality. (Try having a family member with a borderline personality- it fucks with your psyche). I constantly reevaluate events and situations to make sure I'm not losing touch with what's actually going on.

But somehow, a few words from someone who only knew one side of a story, and not even the whole side... a few words made me wonder if I'd lost it. If I'd become the crazy one.

I'm human, I make mistakes, I perceive things given the information at hand. I'd like to think that I'm fairly compassionate, and understanding. I have a heart, I get angry, I feel hurt, and that sways what I do and how I respond to things. But I'm not blind.

I have spent the last half hour venting to a close friend about the specifics of this stupid situation. I needed a rational, logical person to hear me out and tell me honestly whether I was the crazy one. I got my sanity check- but it doesn't change that I'm angry and utterly indignant over a few pointed words.

I have nothing to prove to the person who said them. I have nothing to prove to the person they were about. So I'll vent here, and call it good. I'm shaking my head at all of it. How the tables turn.

I don't journal anymore. Publicly, privately, anything. (Yes, it's ironic that I'm journaling while making that observation. Thanks, Captain Obvious.) I use to feel like something was missing if I didn't sit down and reflect. I use to make time for this, even when there was little, if any, to be had.

I use to journal to figure things out- forcing myself to put words to things invariably made me more honest. I couldn't post something if I didn't feel like the sentiment or the words were completely true. These days, I find myself more confused than anything. And it's not for a lack of personal honesty. It's that anything I do write doesn't feel right. So I delete it.

So what brings me here for the first time in months? Anticipation. The fabled "what if". What happens when the "what if" becomes true? When you hear all the things you needed to hear? When your every instinct turned out to be true? I have arrived at the ending of a beginning, or the beginning of an ending, I'm not quite sure which- and I'm not sure where to go from here.

I've formulated plans, most of which have crumbled, because I've lacked the conviction to carry them out. I've tried talking myself into things. Careers, grad schools, relationships, the whole nine yards, really. My mom keeps reminding me that it's ok to burn the candle on both ends, to take detours in life, to make mistakes, to live a little, and know that those are the things you look back on fondly. But even with constant reassurance that it's all ok, and more than ok- it's good- I'm tentative. It's like standing at the top of an incredibly steep ski slope. Even though you know it'll be over in a second, your face goes pale, you feel your stomach drop, and that momentary dread before you fly out of control perpetuates everything.

I'm ok, really. Just... uneasy. In a way that time will take care of.

I have come to a startling realization. I am addicted to being a student.

You may think me crazy. And, let's be honest, you're probably right. I mean, who derives enjoyment from sitting through cancer pathology lectures and labs? Who just got a twinge excited from being admitted to her local community college, in the hopes of taking night class... just for fun??

That's right. Me. There is something wonderfully comforting about sitting in a lecture hall taking notes off powerpoint slides. There is something wonderfully enticing about returning to theater. (Two completely different classes under completely different contexts.)

I think I may have found the key to my sanity.

I just realized that for the first time in four years, I didn't post a New Year's post.

It also just dawned on me that a year ago today, I spoke to the person who has quite possibly had the biggest affect on my life for the last time. It's been an effing year.

I love New Year's. The idea of a fresh start. I love looking back, and remembering that you had no clue where you'd wind up, and laughing at all the times you thought "I never would have dreamt that would happen...EVER". But this year... it hasn't dawned on me that it is in fact a new year. Am I not wanting to let go of the last year? Is it the minorly depressing realization that I may very well be in the exact same place a year from now, and that's not where I want to be? I find myself less optimistic, and less hopeful. I mean, it's still there. But I use to get this feeling of purity at the beginning of the year. That I had a clean slate, and I hadn't fucked it up yet. And I haven't fucked it up yet... so where is the clearheadedness I always look forward to?

I'm afraid that as we grow older, I will lose that. Or rather, that I will have to fight harder and harder to remember it. But! Have faith. I'm not done fighting yet. :)

May 2007 make your dreams come true. The optimist in me still believes it's possible.